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THE
MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If
you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper
and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will
this take?" I asked.
"They will grow
larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt,
didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he
may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his
meals through
a straw for a very long time. Stupid, stupid man.
One Saturday afternoon, I was
sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the
street was
so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be
hung!" I
took a drink from my bottle of Rolling Rock, wiped the cold foam
from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass
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