An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie  and one  which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do  not  intend  to accept this.  Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness  from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.  The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and  admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your  heart you  will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet once again.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as  she spoke,  'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I  never  said  you  were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

New Mexico Chili Cook off

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico . 

For those of you who have never lived in New Mexico.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who recently moved from Springfield, IL . 

Frank was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off..  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  He was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told him, he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the
flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick. 
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh*t-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally , the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb.  Woman is
starting to look HOT ...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - Kelly'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must
admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. 

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally .  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've
decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild
nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce burger.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names./p>

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.